First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
