Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
