Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
