I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
