can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
