what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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