she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
