I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
