my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize