god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
