It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
