Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
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