When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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