so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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