Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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