I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
