Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
