she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
