Please, let me fuck your mom
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
