before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
