Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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