If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
