are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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