Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
