Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
