ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
