I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
