Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
