Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
