I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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