i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
