I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
