She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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