I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
