I wish I could punch you in the face.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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