I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
