dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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