did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize