I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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