This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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