I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
