My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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