the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
