guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
