the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
