Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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