I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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