and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
