Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
