im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
this is an emotional support booty call
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
