considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
