tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
