Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
