He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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