Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
