Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
