I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
