so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
