i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dick very happy bro
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
